So there I was, having the typical Wednesday, you know, letting Tay Zonday’s classic “Chocolate Rain” circle endlessly in my mind like it was 2008. “Chocolate rain! De de de de de de-de de-de…” Oh, and did I mention that I was also hiking up a smoldering active volcano that just so happens to be covered in a glacier?

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Because I was.

And sure it looks like a delicious Hostess Snowball® from afar, but last time I checked, you didn’t need an ice-pick and crampons to climb up a delicious Hostess Snowball®. Quite the contrary. In fact, I don’t even think you need teeth to attack a delicious Hostess Snowball®.  But Volcán Villerica? Unless you like the taste of hot lava in your mouth (Eso es lo que ella dijó!), this 9,340-foot goddamn volcano is not meant for shoving in your (possibly toothless) pie-hole after you’ve smoked copious amounts of weed. Not that anyone’s ever done that… Besides, I have teeth.

But seriously, to walk up this giant, you need to: 1) Brace yourself for 70-plus mph wind gusts that numb your lips; 2) Prepare for a great deal of sunshine that’ll burn the underpart of your nose since an ice-covered mountain is like a giant reflector and you’re too stupid to realize that; and 3) Walk up walls of ice wearing these:

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Indeed, next to getting high (on life!) and eating Hostess Snowballs®, trekking up this bitch, which is located just outside of Pucón in Chile’s southern lakes region, might be the most awesome thing I’ve ever done in my life. Although that one time I bowled a 122 was pretty sweet too…

But satisfactory bowling scores aside, let’s get to the nitty-gritty, or as I like to call it, the ass of the matter. Besides clamoring around like a spiky-shod monkey on ice, I was also hanging on for dear life as this sh*t reached angles of more than 70 degrees at times, which for those of you who are unaware, is the technical term for, “pretty f*cking steep.”

Moreover, it takes a good seven hours to stagger to the summit, which spews out a throat-burning mist of sulfuric gas.

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Mmm, looks like this volcano’s been eatin’ beans! But be careful. As enticing as I just made that sound, the crater is actually quite dangerous as it’s kind of impossible to know when the snow gets thin enough to fall through. In fact, after reaching the summit I got a little too close to the crater’s edge, which my Chilean guide, whose name was somehow “Jason,” beckoned me from with a wag of his finger, a.k.a. the universal gesture for, “Step back you stupid bitch or else you’re falling into the sulfuric pit of destruction and I’m far too smart to try to save you. Plus, this sandwich I’m eating right now is delicious.”

And so I stepped back, which was a good idea because after snapping a few choice photographs, including those I posted above and at the end of this post, I got to sled back down to the bottom. And by “sled,” I mean we donned a special butt cover, or “nappy,” as I heard a British person say, and then sat on the snow waiting for gravity to have its way with us. Needless to probably say, my nappy did little to keep liquids out of my pants, but then again, I suppose nappies are really only for keeping liquids in your pants, which by the way, mine did splendidly. (Just kidding, next person who has to wear my nappy! I sweated too much to think about urinating. Plus girls don’t do such things. Ever.)

And on that note, please to view these lovely photos!

DSCN2985This is some other volcano that is 40 percent in Argentina and 60 percent in Chile.

DSCN2997Ice paws?

DSCN2983At the top, taking in all the fresh, sulfuric air!

DSCN2992The sun the volcano sees through the gas. Que bonito! And poisonous!

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