For those of you not as completely ignorant as I am, you may have heard of Medellín before now. Maybe the name Pablo Escobar (or at least his epic mustache) rings a brain bell? Indeed, Medellín, Colombia, used to be the kidnap capital of the drug world! Hooray!
But fortunately for me and my inability to pay ransom in any currency other than beans, that description is no longer accurate. In fact, judging from my first impressions, the only risk is wanting to stay!
Dios mio, that’s a clever campaign.
But seriously, it’s true. No one’s even attempted to kidnap me. I’m a little offended, actually. I mean, I am the jolly white giant, after all.
Nabbings aside, however, I have been arrested — ARRESTED BY ALL THE NEON, THAT IS! Just take a look:
And the list of neon sh*t goes on and on. They even have a neon Jesus. But, hey, I was told not to expect anything less from Alumbrados, Medellín’s annual festival of lights and one of the city’s only claims to fame that doesn’t have to do with Mr. Escobar and slitting people’s throats for coke.
And speaking of coke, other than the cola variety, I haven’t seen any of that at all. In fact, according to a local, cocaine is a rare recreational experience around here and if it’s done, it’s only done by the super-rich in Poblado, the neighborhood where all the rich people live. But even then, “they prefer weed.” And speaking of weed, it’s hard to walk down the street without getting a good whiff. In fact, I’m probably high right now from all the secondary smoke.
Where are my Cheetos?*
But at least I’m not experiencing any secondary fumes from all the glue-sniffing. Yeah. Glue-sniffing. Apparently, it’s cheap, potent and widely available. Unlike liquor, which you can drink openly here, people keep their glue bottles in little black plastic bags, which they hold up to their noses before stumbling off to a corner to speak with a child prostitute. Yeah. Child prostitution. Seems like Colombia’s tourism department failed to include those images in their little vignette.
Honestly, it’s startling and disturbing how young some of the “working girls” are here. I’d say the average hooker-age is probably 12. The average john, or “juan” (which they really do say here) is probably 25 or 30 or older.
*think of a good segue, Marissa, think of a good segue…think of a good segue…thinking of a good…*
Um, Merry Christmas?
Sh*t.
OK, so we went from neon to child prostitution. That’s what you get here. I keep it real, even when it goes wrong.
And speaking of real, overall, Medellín reminds me a lot of Moscow, save for the hookers of which the Russian types looked to be at least 18. But nevermind my rather extensive and creepy knowledge of hookers all over the world, despite being thousands of miles apart, the two cities really do have a lot in common. Unfortunately this isn’t always a good thing. For instance, both seem to value appearances over substance. That is, on top of each city’s crazy past and dirty underbelly is an image of pure, unadulterated excess. Since my stint in Moscow, I have never seen so many boob jobs (both good and bad) in my life. Or encountered so much questionable fashion choices (white leggings are never a substitute for actual pants…). Or heard so many techno versions of Rammstein’s Du Hast. (Although, these versions might actually be better than the original.)
But there’s one thing both cities have in common that will always keep me coming back for more — the neon, duh!
*Dear kids,
My allusions to drugs are for comedic purposes only. I neither imbibe nor condone such chemicals as they harm your brain and impede your judgement. In short, hugs, not drugs! Well, unless it’s hugs with an old man for money, in which case, maybe drugs are the lesser evil. But, kids, hopefully you have a choice regarding both manners, in which case just say no. And maybe when it comes to dirty old men, just say no and kick him where it hurts. Hard.
About your giantess tendencies… there was a street in El Paso on which I was, for a brief moment, the tallest person present.
It’s a strange feeling, isn’t it?
Strange? More the norm now…
But are you _really_ jolly?
Don’t you need a forty-inch waistline to be jolly?
jaaajaja did i tell you already that you really make me laugh?
By the way, some friends went to colombia and they told me that cocaine was everywhere! I guess the conclusion you take depends on which places you go or which people you talk to, and only that (at least if you stay for little time)
About young hookers mmm, i have nothing to say’bout that, it’s a third country problem, you can see that in Argentina also (not everywhere, but there is some of that somewhere i guess)
Loved the “keep it real even when it goes wrong” video jaja, i sharted my pants! (If you wonder, it was more shit than fart)
Your use of the word shart made me laugh. Seriously, where did you learn English? I need to learn the word for shart in Spanish, stat.
emmm unofficially it would be something like “pedocaca” (that’s how me and my friends say it) but the technical word here in Argentina is “palometa” (’cause you pants look as if a pidgeon [paloma] shitted them)
Hope you find the information provided useful! 😛
Oh, and I learnd english from wolves…i was raised by wolves with an english accent
Merry Christmas!
Same to you! And Happy New Year!
Merry Christmas to you
Merry Christmas to you
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
And Feliz Navidad, too!
Gracias! You too!
I remember when we went to Bogota. I went back to Venezuela afterwards and my friend went on to Cartagena. She met two little kids who were living in a hotel courtesy of the German pedophile who was paying to keep them around. Not good.
Oh and I really dig that Du Hast song. I used to know all the words. I was so cool.
*Used* to know the words? *Was* so cool? Oh, you could be cool again! If you can sing it and dance badly at the same time, you can even be awesome.
Re: Cartagena and German pedophiles = ew.
Hey, Merry Christmas! Hope you’ve been up to something festive and fun. (Shouldn’t be too hard, with all that neon.)
Oh, Christmas here was definitely different. I spent it with a Colombian family who informed me that elves don’t make the presents Santa delivers, but the “baby Jesus” does. Brilliant.
Haha that ‘the only risk is wanting to stay’ campaign made it over to Barcelona too, though I only ever saw big posters on the side of buses, funny video.
There are so many different stories about Colombia, but most people I know that went there LOVED it. Enjoy and stay away from Germans.
So far, so good. It’s a lot less cultural than Ecuador or Peru, but it’s fun. And there’s excellent Internet here. Because that is always very important…for nerds…sigh…
merry christmas! your blog makes we wish i was still in south america! (and that i had spent my time there more wisely, rather than sitting around eating and getting drunk in santiago.)
Yeah, I’ve now learned that Santiago was a little bit, um, quiet. But, hey, quietness makes it easier to study, no? Hope Arkansas is treating you well!
Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!