It’s hard to believe at one point I was seriously thinking about becoming a broadcast journalist…

Although, I suppose, considering I’ve shed all my dignity already anyway, the thought of becoming the next Glenn Beck is a bit enticing. I mean, really, what an easy job. All you have to do is say a lot of words. They don’t even need to make sense! And if you pause because your mouth gets dry from talking about sh*t that doesn’t make sense, then all you have to do is throw up a picture of the President and roll your eyes.

I’m confident I can do both of those things.

But the thing is, as much as I might like complaining about modern politics this century, I also like being logical.

I just caught Glenn’s explanation bumbling about his “Perfect Storm Theory.” He had a chalkboard of words behind him that were neither legible or had anything to do with Mark Wahlberg or his underlying argument, which was that the Obama Administration is apparently on a mission to dig up the graves of our forefathers and personally kick each on in the disintegrated balls.

The “facts” supporting his argument had something to do with the Administration encouraging kids to read books.

Um, yeah. That sounds like a terrible idea…

Actually, maybe there was more to his argument, but I was too busy being appalled by his choice of outfit that I became distracted. I mean, it was the mullet of ensembles. Men’s Warehouse on top, Lee® husky fit denim on the bottom.

Seriously, how did this asshole get on television? That choice of outfit may be bold, but it sure ain’t fresh. I guess maybe it’s because he kicks people on live television.

But don’t get me wrong, I’m an equal-opportunity hater when it comes to everything broadcast news. That’s right, the reasons to hate cable news don’t end with Fox. Oh no, MSNBC and CNN have their fair share of idiots, as well: Chris “I forgot he was black” Matthews; Joy Behar (*puke*); and even Anderson Cooper, who I lost respect for after reading his memoirs in under three hours. Seriously, I’ve seen picture books with more words. Yawn. He should probably just go back to hosting The Mole. (Don’t tell me I’m the only one who remembers that show…)

But the real hemorrhoid on the proverbial buttock that has become CNN is Rick Sanchez. He’s the Glenn Beck of the left, but more annoying because he Twitters sh*t like this on the reg:

Wait, wrong one. That is actually kind of awesome, although I’m assuming the idiot meant Kool & the Gang (GET DOWN ON IT!). What I meant to post was this:

What do I make of that theory? Er, I mean, what I make of that theory? Um, what theory? I don’t understand what any of that jumble of words even means! NEWSFLASH, SANCHEZ: NEWS REPORTING CANNOT BE REDUCED TO 140-CHARACTER TWEETS, YOU F*CKING MORON!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go watch Autotune News then read The Onion, the only two legitmate American news sources left. Good day.