It was an unusually white morning and not just because it was uncharacteristically blizzarding a bit in Southern Virginia. My imaginary helper tapeworm Steve and I were also rocking out Risky Business style to Who Let the Dogs Out. Needless to say probably, Steve’s rendition of The Worm is second to none.

Basically, it was a pretty typical morning. That is, until the phone rang.

Naturally, my Steve took the call. He is my current helper animal, after all. He said, “Hello? Marissa’s hobo lair. Steve speaking. Can I help you?” He paused and I watched him wrap all eight feet of himself around the receiver to mute it. Then he turned his little head to me and hissed, “It’s the doctor. I think it’s about your ‘roid rage.”

“Eek! The moment of ‘roid truth!” I thought to myself as I took the receiver and Steve unwrapped himself.

“Hi. This is Marissa,” I said.

“So we got your tests back. Your endocrines need special attention. We’re referring you to a specialist,” said the doctor.

“Oh…is it the ‘roid?”

“We don’t really know. Basically, you’re all sorts of f*cked up. In fact, we even noticed your Vitamin D level is dangerously low. You’re at risk for rickets.”

Wait, what? Rickets? Isn’t that disease to poor Eastern European children what scurvy is to pirates? What in the goddamn hell? RICKETS?! Like, Rickety Cricket of Always Sunny in Philadelphia fame?

OK, so the comparison might not be far off. I am wearing that exact same outfit right now, doing those exact same hand gestures, and making that exact same “Who farted?” face, and it’s 11 a.m. so, clearly, I’m in a bar.

But seriously. I’m a bit confused as to how I became at-risk for rickets. I mean, granted I’m not keeping up with any Gym-Tan-Laundry routine, but you’d think after spending the last four months doing all sorts of activities out of doors, that’d have been enough to ward off the ol’ rickets risk. But is it?

That’s when I turned to the Vitamin D Council and their “Vitamin D experts” for answers because that all sounds totally legitimate.

Oh my! I’m not alone! YOU might be at risk for rickets, too! But tell me, Vitamin D experts, how do we stop this pandemic?!

Hmm. Let me get this straight. I should stop using sunscreen? That sounds like sound medical advice, especially coming from a massage therapist who never went to medical school.

And for that, the Vitamin D Council gets two cancerous moles up.

[PICTURE REDACTED DUE TO GNARLINESS.]

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go figure out how to stop getting diagnosed with humorous medical problems. I can’t wait till they start floating around the ol’ Koala AIDS.

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