It’s no coincidence that Valentine’s Day and Vitamin D have the same initials. Unfortunately, when I asked the pharmacist if the mega supplements I’ve been prescribed come in conversation candy heart form, she looked at me as if that were a ridiculous request. Whatever. There’s totally a market for conversation supplements.

But for real. I take Valentine’s Day very seriously. You may have noticed the latest to-do item on Facebook is “to change your profile picture to you and your spouse/significant other!” (The exclamation point is essential, I believe.)

So naturally, I changed my profile picture to this:

That’s me and Jesus (pronounced Hay-sus). We met in South America. In fact, we lived together in Santiago. But unfortunately, he He doesn’t E-mail or call very often so I may have to end it.

And now that I’ve made you feel really awkward by insinuating I have a romantic relationship with The Lord, I think it’s time we talked about the last reason to write about Valentine’s Day — the gifts.

Now, I’ll be honest. I think Valentine’s Day is a joke. Even if I’m in a relationship when the day comes around, I don’t choose to celebrate it. Now, some of you might assume that’s because I hate romance. Well, if you think that then you are wronger than the grammatical correctness of the word “wronger.” On the contrary, I’m actually one of the few remaining champions of romance in the modern world. That is, I don’t think grand gestures of love (or small gestures of like) should be restricted to a single day. That’s right, I’ll make you a mixtape any damn day of the year if I feel like it! And likewise, I’d expect any future significant other to do the same for me. After all, as far as I know, Hoodie-Footie Snuggle Suits can be purchased year-round! (NPR has been relentlessly telling me that this is a gift I’ll love.)

Lastly, to conclude, let’s indulge in a little high-brow/low-brow. Fyodor Doestoevsky wrote, “What is hell? I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love.” Homer Simpson said, “From now on I’ll never leave the room without saying how much I love you and… This takes a long time. Maybe a pat on your butt will do.”

I’m patting you all on your butts. Happy Valentine’s Day!