Although I’ll have to wait another two-plus years to see the world’s best givers of gang-bang face make me want to throw up while they injure themselves in competitions that have names I can totally say with a straight face (the clean and jerk and snatchhehe), I’m ready to be consumed by the 2010 Winter Olympic games. And by “2010 Winter Olympic games,” I really mean MEN’S FIGURE SKATING!

Good-bye, male readers of this blog.

Anyway, to really let you know how much I care about this magical, bedazzled sport, I’ll re-post an analysis I did during the 2006 competition that I found on an old blog I forgot I’d ever even written:

I figure since the USA has the fiery-headed Flying Tomato (the effervescent Shaun White), the former USSR cannot do without its own appropriately named sports icon. Without further ado, please hold your breath in anticipation of…………The Speedy White Comet! (Like the Flying Tomato’s ginger red mane, The Speedy White Comet also has noteworthy hair. Notice the bowl-cut front that tapers into a mullet tail. Yes, just like a comet!)

“Well, I’ll be damned…” you may be saying to yourself, “I believe that Speedy White Comet is none other than famed Russian skater Yevgeny Plushchenko.” Yes, my astute friend, it is. Behold his glory! And stay tuned for my live-action blog documenting his “out of this world” (haha, YES!) performance tonight.

Sporting a 5-o’clock shadow and a black sequined outfit, the Comet opened his program with a quad toe (that’s right, ya’ll, QUAD!), triple toe combo. He then did a triple axel. And then a triple lutz. And now, the highlight: spastic ice-dancing. He looked like Edward Norton fighting with himself in “Fight Club. For effect, he did a little running man and ended, appropriately, with a sit’n’spin. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn, you go Comet! You sit’n’spin second to none.

As Dorothy Hamil said, “He’s laid down the gauntlet.”

Fo’ real, don’t f*ck with the Comet. He’ll burn you.

Score: 90.66 — highest total EVER in a the men’s short program. Sizzle.

You see? I wasn’t joking. I’m dead serious about how serious I am about men’s Olympic figure skating. Seriously. And you can bet that not only will I keep my eagle eye on the sequins worn by The Speedy White Comet, but also on those worn by one Johnny “The Sass” Weir. (You go girl!)

And now that even more of you have probably stopped reading, I want to make an announcement. Ahem.

I’m returning to DC.

*record skip* (:p)

Yeah, I said it. I’m not proud. But I will tell you that, much like the hosting parasites in your digestive tract, this isn’t anything more than a temporary status change while I treat my pre-rickets D-deficiency. But at some point (probably May), I will be returning to South America. I am permanently an international hobo of mystery, after all.

Anyway, I’ve got a lot of fun stuff planned, including finding a place to live and finding some part-time work. Wait. Neither of those two things are fun. But let me know if you can help, anyway. I’ll purchase you a libation.

But besides the logistics, I really do have some fun stuff planned, including a Thursday night men’s figure-skating watch party (which in all likelihood will consist of myself and this blog) and a live stand-up performance. Yeah. Now that I typed it, I have to do it. There’s a lot of stuff to mock verbally whilst embarrassing myself in front of strangers. If you come, wear your best pleated slacks. Time and place, TBD.

And to close out today, I turn to Johnny Weir. Drop some knowledge, son.