Life really is strange, isn’t it? I mean, you can spend one month scoping mullets in Chile then another startling locals with your skinny whiteness in Peru. Or maybe you go from climbing mountains in Ecuador to calling out prostitutes in Colombia. Or perhaps you go from getting diagnosed as pre-rickets to enjoying an evening sitting on your mom’s couch live-blogging the men’s figure skating short program in the 2010 Olympic Winter Games.

Yes. Life is kind of bizarre. But awesome nonetheless, because, really, there’s nowhere I’d rather be for this event. My mom’s couch is f*cking tight and I’m surrounded by free wine.

And because technology is also the tits, thanks to the wonder of G-Chat, you’ll also hear tidbits from The Law, my best friend who once bought me a Bedazzler for my birthday and a men’s figure skating aficionado, as well as my own mother, whose commentary is sure to rival @shitmydadsays.

So sit back, relax and, if you’re really cool, feel free to participate in the comments. Lutz begin! Ha!

Florent Amodio, France

My mom: “I like his gloves.”

And I agree. His glove are pretty fabulous, however the bedazzledness of his entire ensemble is a bit disappointing. He did, however, execute his routine almost flawlessly. The fact that he looks like a tiny gay elf helps.

Score: 75.35.

Viktor Pfeifer, Germany

The outfit is a little too tasteful, I’d say, yet he also chose to wear gloves. Is this a the latest in men’s figure skating fashion? At least his shirt is flowing like an AC Slater silk shirt and it helps that it’s see-through.

“Where’s Dick Button?” asked my mom, before they cut away to Victor’s face. “Oh CUTE!” My mom’s a fan. Coo-coo-cachoo.

Me? I’m waiting for The Speedy White Comet.

Score: 60.88

***

And speaking of The Speeding White Comet, kudos to NBC for this short bio, which is totally not upholding any old Soviet stereotypes that he is F*CKING CRAZY.

“He’s a little paranoid,” said my mom.

And again, I have to agree. “Nobody gonna take my medals.” They wouldn’t dare, Yevgeniy. They wouldn’t dare…

I’m having nightmares tonight.

***

Vaughn Chipeur, Canada

Oops. With a fall on the triple axel, it seems Chipeur is no Elvis Stojko. But then again, who is? And could the world even handle more than one in the first place? I think not.

“He’s a good sit’n’spinner,” said my mom. Um, indeed. And maybe because of that, he’s showing some major signs of being a giant douche. First of all, the top half of his outfit appears to be an Ed Hardy shirt. And where are his gloves? Amateur.

Score: 57.22

Yevgeniy Pluschenko a.k.a. (on this blog) THE SPEEDY WHITE COMET, Russia

Indeed, the time is nigh! In a move only rappers and figure skaters can do, TSWC retired three years ago and predictably came back. AND THANK GOD. This bedazzled black and white jumpsuit (with gloves!) is a site I wish I could see forever.

“Do my people proud!” said my mother of Russian heritage.

AND HE DOES! This mulleted fool just dropped a quad jumping toe loop or whatevers all over our asses!

AND IT JUST KEEPS COMING! After letting us watch him jump and sit and spin and jump and sit and spin again, he gave us his trademark footwork, which makes him look like a sparkly epileptic beanpole flapping around in the wind.

“BITCH IS BACK,” wrote The Law. “THE COMET RISES AGAIN!” Damn straight.

Score: 90.85

***

Cut to Dick Button commentary regarding TSWC’s performance: “I don’t find this beautiful to watch.”

Uh, who is you, Dick Button? Stop hatin’! No seriously, I say that for his own good. Did he not see the cutaway bio earlier? Pluschenko will cut you…with both blades.

***

FYI: We’ll be continuing in about 25 minutes. If you ask me, that’s 25 minutes too many. Meanwhile, we’re watching the women’s snowboard cross competition, which is badass and surprisingly fun to watch, except, as The Law pointed out, when the commentator says, “The interesting wax story…” Um. Gross.

***

Daisuke Takahashi, Japan


Well, Daisuke has confused us all by wearing a sequined Elvis jumpsuit whilst skating to Argentine tango.

“Is he supposed to be matador?” asked The Law.

Um…I still don’t know. I’m too distracted by his pompadour to think of an overaching concepts of this number. However, we all agree this little man has just as many moves as he has bottles of hair gel.

Score: 90.25

Wow. The Speedy White Comet has a new rival and that is Adam Lambert Disguised at a Japanese Man on Ice.

Skater 6: Swiss Stephane Lambiel

If there’s one thing we promise to do here over at Marissa’s Big Adventure, it’s not not be a total dick. That is the shittiest costume ever,” said The Law, of the costume that unfortunately is not pictured above. And I agree. With it’s military inspired front and lace puff sleeves, it looks like it came from the costume department of your high school production of MacBeth. Although, with those knee-high skate boots, if he had a red armband and a swastika, he’d have one helluva gay Hitler outfit.

Although, I’ll be damned if Stephane doesn’t have the best sit’n’spin in the biz. “He’s gonna screw himself…INTO THE ICE!” Thanks for that comment, mom. You just made this live-blogging experiement worth it.

And actually, next to The Speedy White Comet, Stephane has been the most enjoyable to watch so far.

Score: 84.63

Nobunari Oda, Japan

Like The Speedy White Comet, Oda also opted for the bedazzled jumpsuit, with gloves. Clearly, he got the memo. However, unlike the Comet, Oda ain’t got the speed. And we’re not just talking about the methamphetamine kind that I need to be able to keep up with the lineup. (SERIOUSLY! Live-blogging men’s figure skating is as difficult as it is sparkly!)

Nobu is slow. As The Law rightly noted, “His ‘burns are wearing him down!” It’s true. No amount of gel will make those things aerodynamic.

Score: 84.85

Brian Joubert, France

Yeah, whatever. I’m going to skip talking about this guy because I don’t know who he is, his outfit is boring and, frankly, if you’re going to skate to a bunch of eurotrash techno music, you better not fall down. Instead, I’m going to take this time to talk about NBC’s ongoing homophobia when it comes to one Johnny Weir.

I’m not sure why, but the commentators seem to think it’s a bad thing that he’s fabulous. NEWSFLASH NBC: This is men’s figure skating we’re talking about, where even the most masculine of contestants sport sequins. God forbid, Johnny does and opts to — gasp! — date men.

Listen, people don’t watch men’s figure skating for the Brian Joubert’s. We watch because of people like Johnny Weir. If you’re smart, network television, you’ll embrace him. (And no, stop feeling so uncomfortable, DIck Button. I don’t mean that literally, you ass.)

And now back to out regularly scheduled programming.

Takahiko Kozuka, Japan


OK, I was too busy scolding Dick Button to catch this guy’s name (update: I’ve now caught it) and my mom is clearly of no help anymore: “Every time open my eyes there’s another Chinese.”

“He’s Japanese, mom.”

“Well, he’s got jeans on.”

In some world, maybe that makes sense. But in this world, I’m just confused.

Score: 79.55

Samuel Contesti, Italy

My mom woke up enough to say, “He’s got a nice butt.” And speaking of that butt, “Nice butt patch,” said The Law. Yeah. I’m going to go ahead and say nice entire ensemble. He’s dressed like a Williamsburg, Brooklyn, farmer in tight overalls and a flannel shirt.

“He is Eddie Vedder and Opie’s love child,” said The Law.

But getting down to business, he kinda blew.

Score: 70.60

Patrick Chan, Canada

First of all, I don’t care how sweet NBC is making this happy-go-lucky young kid out to be in their little vignette, he’s still a Canadian.

Which means, “not perfect,” said Scott Hamilton.

And not perfect, indeed. Kind of like the entire Vancouver games. First the torch debacle, then the speed-skating rink issue. Oh, and let’s not forget about the DEATH. Jeez, neighbor to the north, let’s try to get it together.

Score: 81.12

Johnny Weir, USA! USA! USA!

Um, FAAAABULOUS!

Rocking a hot pink and black lace-up jumpsuit, Weir took to the ice like a graceful little nymph. “A little tight there,” says Scott Hamilton. And yes, I’m going to assume he’s talking about his sh*t. Indeed, Johnny’s sh*t is tight!

“Words cannot express the beauty,” said The Law. And it’s true. I am a bit speechless. Maybe I was hypnotized by the tasseld pastie he stuck to his left shoulder or maybe he’s JUST THAT GOOD.

Or not.

Score: 82.10. HE WAS ROBBED!

Kevin Van der Perren, Belgium

OMG! Boo! It’s a bedazzled skeleton! I’m scared!

Yet I’m intrigued. And so is The Law: “This is the best outfit by far. The skelatal arm is a nice contrast during the spins.” Her only qualm? “He should have some butt bones.”

Agreed. And also a blacklight.

But getting down to the moves — eh.

Score: 72.90

Tomas Verner, Czech Republic

Uh-oh! Someone missed the boat on being a Soviet Pioneer…or maybe he wants to join the Navy? Whatever. Don’t ask, don’t tell.

And also someone missed landing all their jumps. Oops. Now I kind of feel bad.

Score: 65.32

Evan Lysacek, USA! USA! USA!

Maybe it’s because he looks like a dude I used to date, or maybe it’s because he’s dressed like a homosexual Darth Vadar, but there’s something I don’t quite like about this Lysacek fellow. It doesn’t help, said the law that, “his coach looks like a child molester.”

“He’s a bird!” said my mom. True, he’s chosen to skate to Stravinksy’s Firebird, but does it have to be so literal? Like I said, there’s something about this guy I just don’t like. And The Law agrees. “Igor would not approve.”

But my mom? “He did good! He’s crying because he did so good!” Bah!

Score: 90.34. Whatever. The Comet will burn him.

Jeremy Abbott, USA! USA! USA!

Who the hell is this? Between Weir and Lysacek, The Law and I’s nemesis, this guy is just getting lost in the mix. Here are some tips, Jer: Get a bedazzler and work on not falling. Sorry.

Score: 69.40

Michal Brezina, Czech Republic

OMG. He chose to skate to Puttin’ on the Ritz, which will always make me think of this. And for that, I kind of love this guy. With a white vest on top of a black shirt and pants, his ensemble is nothing to write home about. But at least it has a nicely bedazzled racing stripe down the side. And his highlights pretty.

And the program itself was all right, I’d say. Again, he’s no Comet, but he’s also only 19 and new to the scene.

Score: 78.80

“All right, is it done?” asked my mom. She starts jonesing when she doesn’t get to watch The O’Reilly Factor.

And on that note…

Thanks for joining me on this crazy night of bedazzled awesomeness. I’m exhausted and just in time. I don’t want to let Bill O’Reilly ruin my ice-high.

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