I can’t convey enough how crazy I am (*awkward pause*) ABOUT THE OLYMPIC GAMES! Not only did I live-blog the men’s figure skating short program, which proved to be one of the hardest tasks I’ve ever undertaken next to live-blogging The View, but now I find myself getting seriously involved in things “snowboard cross,” which is like roller derby but on snowboards.

That’s the thing about the Games that’s so awesome. All these sports that no one cares about during non-Olympic times (um, curling?) suddenly become important and exciting. The competition is much bigger than just that — it’s a point of national pride! Especially if your country is awesome and has fifty more athletes in any given sport, thus increasing our chances of taking home the gold. (USA! USA! USA!)

But I gotta say, despite having a large enough fleet of athletes to crush all the other countries’ contingents three times over, I think we can use more. And not only that, there needs to be more sports so we can win more medals.

For example, why the hell isn’t dog-sledding an Olympic sport?

I’m sold. And my soul is touched. And so were the organizers of the Lake Placid games in 1932. Unfortunately, the sport didn’t endure as anything above a demonstration. Luckily, I think I know why. They need to jazz it up a little! For example, why not initiate a “dog-sled cross?” It’d be like the roller derby, but with dog sleds!

Goddamn, I’m brilliant.

And while I may be the first one to come up with the aforementioned best idea ever for a Winter Olympic game, others before me have come up with ideas that are adequately good involving dogs. For instance, in the 1928 St. Moritz games, the organizers introduced something called skijöring. The umlaut, alone, says to me that’s a good idea, and after having my imaginary helper tapeworm Steve look up the definition, I now know for sure that skijöring might be the second best idea ever for an Olympic winter game behind sled-dog cross.

According to Wikipedia: “Skijöring (‘skē-jȯr-iŋ) is a winter sport where a person on skis is pulled by a dog (or dogs). It is derived from the Norwegian word skikjøring meaning ski driving.”

Norwegians are geniuses. First they bring us lefse, some of the world’s most delicious empty carbs, and now skijöring?! I mean, just look at it!

That looks ridiculous! Which means it’s damn near perfect. But you know what’s even more perfect? Horse-skijöring. And yes, trust your instincts. I can only imagine this sport was invented by a couple of guys named Svend and Jørgen after a lefse bender. Too weighed down by eating copious amounts of this delicious flatbread, they were to mount their Fjord horse geldings, in an idea worthy of Homer Simpson, they opted instead to be dragged behind them.

“Let ‘er rip,” indeed. But even aside from the inevitable crashing and burning because you tied a rope around a horse and let it pull you at full speed on a pair of skis (well, now that I put it that way, it sounds kind of awesome), I sense a greater, even a more pungent danger: Um, what happens, if the horse, you know…poos? Talk about a road hazard.

And because of that, I officially withdrawal dogsled cross as the best idea ever for an Olympic winter game and replace it with horse-skijöring cross. Sochi 2014! Who’s with me?!

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