Yesterday, while a medical professional with, I suspect, a knack for scaring the sh*t out of his patients was busy telling me my mystery disease/rickets may be due to a brain tumor (ZOINKS!), someone else was sending me the most awesomest Olympic wrap-up links of all time.

Not only did this e-picture book include photos of everyone’s favorites, like the Norwegian men’s curling pants or, Shaun White’s Iraq War Tomahawk missile trick and Sparkly Darth Vadar, but it also included a photo that threw me for a triple toe loop:

At first glance, I was all, “GOTDAMN! Evgeny ‘The White Comet’ Plushenko’s mullet’s sh*t is tight!” But then we — that is, my possible brain tumor (ZOINKS!) and I — read the caption:

“Russia’s Artem Borodulin performs in the men’s 2010 Winter Olympics figure skating free program at the Pacific Coliseum in Vancouver, on February 18, 2010.”

My world and everything I thought I had known began to sit’n’spin! Everything twizzled up into a ball of confustion. “Who is this so-called Artem Borodulin and, more importantly, how did his mullet get even more comet-like than The Comet’s?!” I wondered.

ZOMFG! It’s…it’s…beautiful!  Sochi 2014 can’t come soon enough.

And you know that saying, “Two blond mullets don’t make a wrong?” Well, that cliché is true and I’m praying for a little bit of Chazz Michael Michaels-Jimmy MacElroy pairs action.

Putin, hear my prayer.

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