So, I’m having some issues. I can’t decide which pairs of tight pants I want to pack in my new hippie backpack to bring down to South America with me.
Now, this may not seem like a big deal to you. In fact, some or maybe even most of you may be asking yourself why you’re even still reading this. “Seriously, is this bitch really going to write a whole dang blog entry on a couple of pairs of pants?” you ask.
Yes. Well, sorta.
See, while I’m quite a minimalist when it comes to furnishing my house (by the way, that comfortable double bed featuring a memory-foam mattress cover is still for sale!), I’ve never been a minimalist when it comes to clothing. Which is why it’s infinitely easier to give up all of my household items, than try to figure out if I want both the electric blue and the turquoise pairs of skinny jeans.
GODDAMN! I love tight pants! I also love sweatervests. And shorts. And all kinds of boots and boot-like sandals. And cardigans! And DIY, bedazzled sweatshirts! And dresses and blazers and weird hats, oh my!
Yes, I have a problem. And unfortunately, because I want the option to be 100 percent mobile 100 percent of the time I’m in South America (at least in the foreseeable future), I can’t bring everything. In fact, I only have 4,700 cubic inches of space to pack everything I need for the next few months.
To reiterate, I must somehow pack this:
Three garbage bags, two laundry bags, one suitcase and two carry-ons of motherf*cking tight pants! (And some other things, like monocles and spats.)
Into this:
One dirty hippie backpack.
That’s like trying to fit a fat guy in a little coat!
And if I’m not careful, my sh*t’s going to burst forth from its tight quarters with the strength of 1,000 fat guys in little coats!
Hmm…something about that last sentence just doesn’t seem right.
But something about having this issue also doesn’t seem right. I mean, am I that attached to the things I wear that this is causing me actual stress? Yes. But why? Why is it so hard for me to look solely at function over form? And by “so hard,” I really mean “impossible.” I simply cannot give up a pair of tight jeans in place of some sort of specialized, quick-drying cargo pants without becoming totally self-conscious. I don’t feel like myself unless I’m dressed like myself. (I also don’t feel like myself if I don’t have my daily bean ration. Bean and fashion nourish my soul!)
That could mean one of two things, I suppose: Either I’m incredibly insecure and shallow, or I look at clothing as an extension of my personality. And, truthfully, I don’t know which one is right. I’d like to think I’m perfectly secure and “deep,” but if that were 100 percent so shouldn’t I then be able to dress like a typical backpacker and emit the same personality vibes? I just don’t see that happening. A little part of me dies when I don a pair of Tevas. That may sound melodramatic, but it’s kind of true…
Which brings me to what I hope is the real reason this downsizing process has been so hard for me — I view fashion as art. When you put thought into what you wear it becomes a visual representation of your personality. And just because I’m traveling, I don’t want to give that up.
At the same time, it’s not really practical to hike in these.
So there it is. My latest, possibly most ridiculous and superficial dilemma. Feel free to judge me. God knows I’m judging myself. But like I said, GODDAMN! I love tight pants! However, if there’s one thing I’ve learned over my years of global shambling it’s that where there’s a will, there’s a way. Or, more apropos, I suppose, where there’s an inseam there’s a packing scheme and I’ll be damned if I don’t figure it out.
But not before I watch another clip from Tommy Boy about never giving up. What an amazing and inspirational film that was…
Marissa Payne 
Those who hike in denim or cotton must understand the risk — a very, very uncomfortable time if it rains. (And a greater chance of hypothermia.) Or if one sweats a lot. (Much more of a risk for men than women.)
If, knowing that, you decide that you absolutely must have the jeans — well, you’ve made an informed decision.
One choice is not inherently better than another — it’s a cost/benefit analysis.
I think it’s not going to work if I just do one or the other. I think I’m going to have to compromise and instead of taking two pairs of tight pants, take one pair and replace the other with some gnarly-looking cargo pants. But please know I will weep every time I wear them. Until it rains and I’m totally dry and comfortable.
Splitting the difference. Sensible.
Does it hurt so, being sensible?
It burns!
You should have a blog entry where you model each of your tight pants and then ask the readers to vote. Please include a swimwear section.
No need re: the swimwear. Packing three suits ’cause they’re small! I’ll take pics on the Chilean Pacific.
I’m sure that no matter how you decide, the pants will be tight – if not physically, then (meta)physical.
Truer words have never been e-spoken.
What about replacing one pair of the jeans with some sort of leggings (a la American Apparel)? You retain color options, you have more flexibility while wearing them, they’ll dry faster, still tight, and pack smaller. However, you would have to spend $ to purchase them, not exactly the idea right now. They’re definitely better than cargo pants any day.
Hmm…that’s kind of really brilliant. Although I hate leggings if worn as pants, so I would have to make sure I had a stash of long shirts, which I probably actually have…I am embarrassed I didn’t think of this myself. Then again, I never claimed to be smart. Or resourceful. Or even simply “not stupid.”
I will look into this option, for sure.
If it makes you feel any better, think of it this way:
By donating your clothes you don’t take to Santiago, there’s at least a chance at least the thrift shoppers in DC will start dressing better. So that’s a positive thing. You’d actually be improving the sartorial nature of this wretched city, at least in a small way…
Interesting. I never looked at it that way, but you’re right. Look at the good I do!
Aren’t you sad you’ll be leaving this behind? You can’t script this much wit!
Is it wrong that I think Glenn Beck would be a hilarious president? Just to hear him refer to everyone as a “nasty freak” or whatever he says…priceless.
Yes, I will miss this.
I too have the need for beans without the issues that may accompany other bean eaters. You are not alone in your quest or your bean eating abilities and needs.
We’re beanmates!