Well, the party’s a little smaller tonight, as resident guest dick/commentator, The Law, had a prior engagement, ironically, having to do with Russia. I say “ironically” because tonight is a make or break moment for the former Soviet Union. With this much pressure on the Speedy White Comet’s mullet, it seems strange any Russian would be free to do anything but stay glued to the televizor. In fact, I’d put rubles on that because I’m betting Putin is sitting shirtless on a tiger rug right now praying for a Russian victory.

Meanwhile, here in America, my mother and I are sitting in our bathrobes, McPoyle style, readying to take all the glitter in.

Welcome, to the Marissa’s Big Adventure live-blog experiment of the Olympic men’s free skate! If you didn’t love men’s figure skating before, you certainly won’t love it now. But regardless, it’s the Olympics, so show some xenophobic national pride, traitor! (By the way, if you missed Part 1, check it out here.)

Also, just discovered that NBC’s Olympic Web site has an application in which you can try to use the new wonky scoring system to confuse yourself even more about how it works: http://www.nbcolympics.com/figure-skating/applications/index.html. I miss the 1 to 10 system. It was so convenient as that is exactly how many fingers I have.

***

Sidebar: HOLY SH*T. Shaun White’s pants are enviably tight.

***

So, by 8 pm, NBC really meant 10. Live-blogging to begin shortly. However, may I just suggest to the Games organizers to put the women’s snowboarding half-pipe before the men’s? After seeing the The Flying Red Tomato’s Double McTwist 1260 (aka the Whitesnake aka Double Double Extra Tomato), no other moves can compare. What’s the opposite of girl power?

I doubt if it’s men’s figure skating, but it’ll do for now.

And let’s talk about Dick Button. He’s a total Comet hater, but that’s OK. Any bald man would be. And now, to the action!

***

Jeremy Abbot, USA

Young Jer had quite a tough night on Tuesday. One of my main criticisms, predictably, was his near complete lack of glitter on his outfit. Oh, and also his multiple falls.

And tonight? Looks about the same…

“He’d still be good in the Ice Capades,” said my mom.

I think he’d be better off at H&R Block. Dude’s dressed like a gay accountant. Next.

Score: 218.96

Takahiko Kozuka, Japan

Again, the Bedazzler® called and asked, “Why the hell didn’t you take advantage of me?”

However, despite the lack of sparkle, little Takahiko is landing all his jumps, which must be hard when you’re skating to the prog-rock version of Saved By the Bell music.

And, indeed, by the end he seems to have fallen off his game. He’s so excited; he’s so excited; he’s so…scared? That’s OK. Hot Sundae only requires one successful triple axel to join.

Score: 231.19

Denis Ten, Kazakstan

OK, so this little guy threw me off, and not just because he’s skating to what sounds like Vitas scatting. (And, for once, I’m not making a poop joke.) It’s his outfit. While I don’t mind the ombre dye-job of the upper half of his outfit, the fact that he’s chosen to go with a deep V-neck is deeply disturbing me. Why? Because his chest is hairless. When is the last time you saw a dude from Kazakhstan with a deep V-neck on who didn’t have major chest hair? Yeah, something seems very fishy here. (If you forget the fact that he’s a 16-year-old Korean kid.)

And speaking of, Scott Hamilton needs to settle down. He keeps mentioning the words “growth spurt” with a little too much enthusiasm.

Score: 211.25

Florent Amodio, France


OMG. He’s playing a marionette! He’s the French Johnny Weir, except he doesn’t wear corsets. So actually, maybe he’s just French.

Le mot up! He just became a hip-hop puppet. Would’ve liked to see a little more ice-krumping, however.

Score: 210.30

Patrick Chan, Canada

OK, this is the fourth skater who forgot to bedazzle his outfit. What the f*ck? Do they not understand the fundamentals of this sport?!

I mean, he’s got one thing right — he chose to skate to Phantom of the Opera. But he got another thing very wrong. Where the hell is the half-mask?!?!?!

He wouldn’t have fallen so much if he had a half-mask. The Phantom has clearly cursed him. Cue giant chandelier. This show is over.

“He’s just not fully baked yet,” said the female announcer. Uh, yeah, neither am I. I’m not even half-baked. If I was, this show would be a lot better. YAWN.

Score: 241.42

Michal Brezina, Czech Republic

“He’s dressed like a Nantucket douche,” I said.

“No,” my mom disagreed. “He’s dressed like Napoleon Dynamite.”

Well, whatever he’s dressed as, M.Brez also seems to have forgotten to fully use his Bedazzler®. I can barely see any sequins! I know times are tough, guys, but let’s make cutbacks elsewhere, shall we? Judging from all the falls I’ve seen tonight, the coaches clearly aren’t doing their jobs. I’m sure you’d save a few sparkly bucks that way if you cut those assholes. GOSH. IDIOTS.

Score:

Evan Lysecek, USA! USA! USA!

Ugh. Evan “Sparkly Darth Vadar” Lysecek. As much as I love the United States, I feel compelled to root against this guy. First of all, I think he’s wearing the same damn outfit as yesterday, except instead of feathers and gloves, he’s not sporting a rhinestone snake. Cheapskate. (HA! YES I DID!) But seriously, the rhinestone snake is pretty tight. I’ll concede him that.

What I won’t give him, however, is probably the respect he deserves for being actually a pretty damn good skater. EXCEPT HE DOESN’T HAVE A QUAD! Amateur…

“Did Scott Hamilton just call him a tool?” asked my mom.

“Unfortunately, no,” I said. “He only said he retooled his triple axel.”

“Close enough.”

Truth. Dude uses more hair gel than the entire cast of Jersey Shore. And yet it still couldn’t hold his helmet hair-did in place. Even his hair gel doesn’t like him.

“He’s the Dick Cheney of men’s figure skating.” Yes! The Law tuned in just in time to give her expert commentary.

Score: 257.67

Nobunari Oda, Japan

Um, who let the valet onto the ice? What the hell kind of outfit is that? Looks like he got a good deal on tuxedo separates at Filene’s Basement.

OH NOES! COSTUME PROBLEM! His skate-lace broke! This is awkward. And what better way to solve it than with a slow clap?! Kudos, audience, you read my mind.

And now I kind of like him.

“He’s no quitter,” said The Law.

And when you end with an ass-spin (see above photo), you get my mom’s vote, too. Uh-oh. It’s awkward again!

Score:

Stephane Lambiel, Switzerland

So, I don’t know who the hell this guy in this picture is, but the dude on the ice looks way less hot. Maybe it’s because he’s dressed like an extra from Pirates of the Caribbean: The Musical. *sigh* I wish that existed.

And in fact, while this guy continues to sit’n’spin, I’m going to start making that musical up in my mind.

Score:

Daisuke Takahashi, Japan

So this is “the other guy,” whose name I couldn’t remember earlier today. And it’s not because I’m racist and think all Japanese names should be Mr. Miyagi. It’s because I’m just so overwhelmed by his hair. The only way it could be more spectacular is if he bedazzled it.

And speaking of, Mr. Miyagi Takahashi, too, is lacking outfit sparkles. He’s wearing a black and white checkered shirt with an interesting collar, overlaid with a red and black vest. In the words of someone who’s not blind, “What the f*ck is this outfit?” asked The Law.

Moreover, why the f*ck are so many people falling? And it’s not just men’s figure skating. And it’s not just figure skating. But people are falling everywhere. Canada hates good performances. I guess that explains Avril Lavigne.

Score: 243.11?

Johnny Weir, USA! USA! USA!

“He’s pretty,” said my mom.

And she doesn’t just mean his angelic girl features. He’s a pretty skater, all around — his jumps, his spins, his TOTALLY BEDAZZLED OUTFIT!

“He has the gloves,” noted The Law. “He is not f*cking around.”

No. No he is not. In fact, Weir’s titled this piece “Fallen Angel” and I think we can all agree that is pretty solid in its awesomeness.

“He is a gift from heaven,” said The Law.

“I’m a believer,” I said. “What do you think, mom?”

“I fell asleep.”

Score: 238.87 HE WAS ROBBED! AGAIN!

Evgeny Plushenko, Russia

Bring it, bitch. And bitch brought it. The Speedy White Comet aka Ivana Drago is hypnotizing us with his skills and his mullet!

“I like when their hair’s all flowy,” said my mom.

Well, she’s come to the right place.

“He’s full of whimsy!” my mom continued.

And if by whimsy, she means some dry-humping, finger-licking and kiss blowing, then, um, he is chock full of whimsy.

And Scott Hamilton agreed: “He’s like a cat!” Then Scott Hamilton went crazy and started making Three Stooges sounds. WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!

Score: 256.35 WHAT?! Putin just died a little inside.

Final thoughts:

The Law: “F*ck you, Darth Vadar. He can sit and spin on it.”

My mom: “USA! USA! USA!”

Me: Well, if it couldn’t be The Comet, at least it was an American. But yeah, f*ck you, Darth Vadar.

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