It’s been proven time and time again that Craigslist is f*cking creepy. Case in point, it once got me a job at a sex shop.

Anyway, now that I’m back in DC (I know, I know…), I’m finding myself once again turning to Craigslist to find some short-term housing. And because my budget is a bit more limited (after all, I no longer work at the sex-shop, where I was making a whopping $2.73/hour), I’m looking to live gentrify outside the northwest quadrant. However, unfortunately, my efforts to push poor people out of their homes hasn’t been working out as smoothly as planned. And no, it’s not because of imaginary helper tapeworm discrimination. It’s because I have no desire to live with Captain Apollo.

Indeed, that’s an actual, un-retouched CL ad. And if you can’t read it because you’re illiterate and your imaginary helper annelid isn’t around to read it for you (or, maybe the text is too small), allow me to sum it up for you: Basically, some seemingly crazy possibly awesome old man who calls himself Captain Apollo is renting out a series of rooms, a.k.a. “officers’ cabins,” in a house he calls Casa degli Angeli.

Yeah. This might even be a worse business plan than my idea to market tapeworms as helper animals.

And I say this not because a plan to market a kitschy and or borderline ‘tardy idea is necessarily bad. Obviously, I think we can all recognize the genius behind Taiwan’s chain of Modern Toilet restaurants (“It all started when one of us was reading the manga, Dr. Slump, on the toilet…).

No, my problem with Captain Apollo’s plan is that it’s not quite kitschy enough. Instead, it’s just creepy. I mean, if you’re going to refer to a house as if it were a boat then you better not name it “Angel HOUSE,” for example. More gravely, I see a definite missed marketing opportunity in this line, taken straight from the ad: “1st & 2nd Officer’s Cabins with private bathroom.”

Um, excuse me? Bathroom? Hello! Ahoy! CALL IT THE POOP DECK!


And for that reason, I will not be answering Captain Apollo’s ad.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to figure out how to gain franchise rights for Modern Toilet.