I lived in Boston for almost three years. Like many, I moved there to study. And like some, those 2.5 years of study earned me a Master’s degree that I will never use. No one cares about Russia anymore now that Putin’s stopped shooting tigers and journalists. Wah.
But my ongoing funemployment is not the point of this post. Oh no. The point of this post is far more revelatory. I finally figured out why I didn’t like living in Boston: The city is not nearly drunk enough!
According to Men’s Health magazine, which ranked 100 U.S. cities on a scale of crunkosity (that’s the official term favored here at Marissa’s Big Adventure), Boston came up as the most sober along with Yonkers and Rochester, NY.
Um…what? We’re ranking cities like Yonkers now? Weird.
Yonkers aside, in a rhyming fit of surprise I exclaimed, “This is bonkers! Boston is the most sober? I guess maybe Norm doesn’t own a car?”
But, for realities, I’m a little perplexed. I lived across the street from a frat house when I first moved to Boston. That city was pretty wasted. And, honestly, I did my part to help Boston’s rating too, or at least I thought I did. But, alas, despite assholes like me, Boston remains dry as a bone when it comes to “every measure of dangerous drinking, including the body count caused by booze-fueled car crashes, the number of arrests made for driving under the influence, the number of people who admit to binge drinking in the last month, and the severity of DUI penalties.”
Wait, what? Hmm…I think I may have to take back the first half of this post. I guess I should probably read the whole article next time before making wild accusations and dropping such scientific terms as “crunkosity” on you. In fact, after reading what stats Men’s Health based their list on, I don’t think crunkosity is what they’re measuring. Instead, I think this list is ranking a city’s potential toward rampant alcoholism.
With that in mind, let me revise. While I may have ended up doing a little Sparks-fueled fist-pumping now and again — or this — my antics certainly never added to any of those measures. AT LEAST THAT I COULD REMEMBER! *cue laugh track*
Hahaha! I cued a flatulence track instead. I’m a comedic genius.
But all my comedic genius aside, what a scary survey. This kind of dangerous and deadly behavior is no joke, especially in Fresno, Calif., which earned the title of America’s Drunkest City. Um, congratulations? And while I want to slur to the good people winos in Fresno, I loooooooove yoooooouuuuuuu guyyyyyyyysss, I also want to inform them that they should all stop drinking and driving immediately and get into rehab. Good luck in recovery.
And because I know half of my regular readers (that’s one out of two) are from Washington, DC, I’ll save you the hassle of a three-second Google search and just tell you that your toilet of a city fell in at number 37. I always wondered why parts of the city always smelled like a distillery. It’s you! But can the world blame you? You’re living in DC, after all. I know when I get back up there to live (OH GOD, NOOOO!) visit I will dive straight into the bottle. *cue laugh track*
Hahaha! Fart sounds are funny.
Marissa Payne 
Philly is #89? 89? My God. Men’s Health, you have just completely inverted my entire worldview. I can’t even be entirely sure of my own identity any more, I’ve become so blinded by my own preconceptions of reality. I hope Men’s Health can tell me which orifice to cram food into, cos I suspect according to them, I’m doing it all wrong right now.
I take it, Dread Pirate Neck Beard, that you have a Philly connection. But don’t worry Men’s Health is bitch slapping people out of their own delusional senses of reality one open fist smack at a time.
Yes, I live in Philadelphia. I suspect the biggest factors in our favourable standing are: most of us binge drinkers know to lie about it & we don’t have to drive (this city is seriously diminuto (a nod to our Espanyol speaking friends)). Oh, and the cops don’t bother you unless you have NJ tags.
Seriously?
It’s the student city of America, and it’s the driest?
That’s whack.
Like I said, I did my part. But I don’t think it was measuring dryness or not. I think it was measuring DWIs and alcoholism. Boston is more of a work-hard/play-hard place. Fresno, apparently, is more of a drink-hard/get-into-a-car-accident place. I guess. They really should’ve explained their rankings with more than a paragraph…
In fairness, when I went to California last, I was drunk-driven by at least two members of my extended family. (A third one was high, but that doesn’t count.)
They just don’t go along with those “law” things out there…
Maybe Bostonians just don’t drive. Still, almost every student falls within that binge-drinking definition, no?
Hmmm… I’m wondering what my college towns ranked. Probably not even on there even though there are most likely people as I type this imbibing their hardest to make that list.
Surprisingly, Minneapolis and St. Paul are Nos. 80 and 87, respectively. I don’t know. I agree with you. I really think we have it in us to beat Fresno.
I once lived in Fresno. It’s a fine place if you’re of junior high age (which I was) and just moved there from a really sh*tty neighborhood in NYC (which I had). As an adult, I think I’d find the place barely tolerable now. I can easily imagine Fresno being populated largely with angry, bitter and disappointed drunks. Oh, and people who run meth labs. Really easily.
Firstly, I’m sorry. I’ve heard unlovely things about Fresno.
Secondly, meth? I thought that was concentrated in farm communities like, um, the little house on the end my childhood cul-de-sac. (Not joking.)
Actually, Fresno is a farm community. It’s in California’s Central Valley, where agriculture is the major industry. I heard all sorts of seedy stuff about Fresno from an author who worked for the sheriff’s department there. Apparently, they were having a big problem with gangs and meth labs and so on. This was a few years back, so I don’t know if this is still the case, but Fresno is still not exactly the most awesome town on the map. 🙂
DC at 37??? That is utter and complete donkey shit.
I know. Although historically, it’s more of a crack isn’t wack kinda town.
(make sure you’re not drinking or eating anything)
This may be the only time I say something positive WMATA:
Perhaps keeping the metro open til 3am reduces the tendency towards DUI?
That is all I can think of to explain DC not being #1 for drinking. I sure keep doing my part and I can attest after that blogger meetup/farewell in the fall, that Marissa was doing her part while she was here.
Thanks for that insight. Indeed, this is situation that defies logic.