I lived in Boston for almost three years. Like many, I moved there to study. And like some, those 2.5 years of study earned me a Master’s degree that I will never use. No one cares about Russia anymore now that Putin’s stopped shooting tigers and journalists. Wah.

But my ongoing funemployment is not the point of this post. Oh no. The point of this post is far more revelatory. I finally figured out why I didn’t like living in Boston: The city is not nearly drunk enough!

According to Men’s Health magazine, which ranked 100 U.S. cities on a scale of crunkosity (that’s the official term favored here at Marissa’s Big Adventure), Boston came up as the most sober along with Yonkers and Rochester, NY.

Um…what? We’re ranking cities like Yonkers now? Weird.

Yonkers aside, in a rhyming fit of surprise I exclaimed, “This is bonkers! Boston is the most sober? I guess maybe Norm doesn’t own a car?”

But, for realities, I’m a little perplexed. I lived across the street from a frat house when I first moved to Boston. That city was pretty wasted. And, honestly, I did my part to help Boston’s rating too, or at least I thought I did. But, alas, despite assholes like me, Boston remains dry as a bone when it comes to “every measure of dangerous drinking, including the body count caused by booze-fueled car crashes, the number of arrests made for driving under the influence, the number of people who admit to binge drinking in the last month, and the severity of DUI penalties.”

Wait, what? Hmm…I think I may have to take back the first half of this post. I guess I should probably read the whole article next time before making wild accusations and dropping such scientific terms as “crunkosity” on you. In fact, after reading what stats Men’s Health based their list on, I don’t think crunkosity is what they’re measuring. Instead, I think this list is ranking a city’s potential toward rampant alcoholism.

With that in mind, let me revise. While I may have ended up doing a little Sparks-fueled fist-pumping now and again — or this — my antics certainly never added to any of those measures. AT LEAST THAT I COULD REMEMBER! *cue laugh track*

Hahaha! I cued a flatulence track instead. I’m a comedic genius.

But all my comedic genius aside, what a scary survey. This kind of dangerous and deadly behavior is no joke, especially in Fresno, Calif., which earned the title of America’s Drunkest City. Um, congratulations? And while I want to slur to the good people winos in Fresno, I loooooooove yoooooouuuuuuu guyyyyyyyysss, I also want to inform them that they should all stop drinking and driving immediately and get into rehab. Good luck in recovery.

And because I know half of my regular readers (that’s one out of two) are from Washington, DC, I’ll save you the hassle of a three-second Google search and just tell you that your toilet of a city fell in at number 37. I always wondered why parts of the city always smelled like a distillery. It’s you! But can the world blame you? You’re living in DC, after all. I know when I get back up there to live (OH GOD, NOOOO!) visit I will dive straight into the bottle. *cue laugh track*

Hahaha! Fart sounds are funny.

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